LIES

Honesty is the best policy. Says who? Well I used to hear this phrase but I never intend to google out who said that. Partially true.

Not. No doubt about that. Honesty. I don’t think people nowadays do understand the word honesty anymore. Literally they do, but when it comes to practical understanding, I don’t think so. It’s the best policy but not the best to be practiced.

Being honest is good. I mean that is how it supposed to work. But sometimes it could turn our life misery. Just because you want to practice this policy, you lose some joy of your life. Slowly ruptured, internally if it’s not physically.

When our lives full of good things, kindness and delightful moments, than that is the best time to talk about being honest. But not all of us have the same script in their lives. Sometimes people lie, or just ignore about being honest because they have their dark side. Or they refuse to reveal their dark story, their gloomy past days. We tend to do so.

I mean, some might think it’s not worth to share bad things about ourselves, telling your weakness make you susceptible to attack, specifically by those who have been eyeing on you just to attack you since forever when the right time come. Hence people choose to lie.

Why?

Because people do judge, and those who are being judged, they struggle more than they could against this unfair judgment. Too bad to live on this world. what make me come across this matter and choose to think so? Is that a clue, telling all of us that I am one of the misjudging victims? It depends on how you seize the points but I think, everyone has their ups and downs and I dare to say we all used to be victimized due to something that we don’t have any idea what it’s all about. Once or more than that, that’s another storyline.

Meeting up good people made me wonder

Everything is good about them. Who are they? Angles?

Of course not.

Then how come this feeling happened? Do you get me? I mean have you ever met a person and you somehow feel they are superior on you. And you feel you are stuck in a tunnel, nowhere to go, and every corners of your place are engulfing you, bit by bit. That’s the time we try our very best to lie.

Because I used you lie, well pretty damn brave statement, I think people do tell lies. I don’t see what’s written above have relation anymore.

Maybe I should just stop.

Partially true. It means?

Partially lies. Yes.

REASONS

I am figuring out reasons why I should keep writing here. Once in a while. I had a big plan for this site, once. I had. But things somehow didn't go the way I hoped.

I don't see any relevant points. This, no longer belong to me.
At least to who I am now, today.

Truth be told, I'm not a person who love to talk. Maybe because I find it very hard to enggage in a conversation. Or maybe it just me. I always think, ok this is not necessary so why would I waste my time here? I mean to be part of the 'talking'.

And that give me an idea that maybe I should just write. I can simply erase where thing might go wrong if write it like this and like that. Too bad, writing doesn't help much. Ok it does but not most of the time.

Can't believe that somehow in my other site which I prefer to share in my native language I eventually do share on something that used to be...

ok kerepek.

Just feeling like typing something. So here it is, for you. I know you've been waiting for this since forever :P

DWELL

Born as a son of a pair of human beings who both have something to do with education- working as teachers, is not easy. And it has never been an easy destiny. Yet it is nothing to be regretted.

Because when both of them are in that field, they care too much about your academic. It should be fine. At some points, yes it is. But not in the case when you are in trouble with you studies. And that what happened to me, like almost each exam that I sat for. Luckily thus far I survived the hardship. Not the hardship of exam, but the hardship to face such destiny, stated earlier.

Not to brag around and about but I must say that I was an excellent young boy, well, pretty close to the word, back in my vulnerable years. Life was easy that time.

People envied me, a lot, that time.

I was bestowed with lots of blessings and grace that I seldom expressed my gratitude. This is fact. Some. I thought I was the luckiest person on the earth. I looked down some other people. I was that boy, that naughty. But I didn’t cross the limit. I didn’t break any hearts or caused harm to any living persons, not even to the dead ones.

Since life seemed easy to me, I slowly started to take things for granted. I suppose I did so long before I realized, exactly.

But things slightly changed when I grew up and up. Now I am twenty and I have come almost to the potential growth point of my life. And things are still changing. Not in the way I have dreamt of. Not that easy. At least not as easy as the fairytales.

To be continued

SPEAK WHAT ?

This is the longest record thus far, I ever left this blog unattended, abandoned, alone. And I partially sure that it is no longer deserved to be called a blog.

Because I don’t know how to start an entry anymore.
 

Anymore.

I supposed to post this at the beginning of this year, but never mind. Late is always better than never. They said. Half-agreed.

The easiest language to learn, the fastest to master, the simplest to practice and yet the hardest to understand is silent. But I believed silence has its own power.

At times I do not need half an hour to start conversing with some new acquaintances and at times too I need forever to greet a long-time known friend. Or perhaps I shouldn’t call it a friend in the first place? If we manage to break up the silence within the first five minutes, then we will end up talking until no more word to utter. But if we failed within that five minutes, then we will never be able doing so until the rest of time. Ho  

When I was on my way to my college after a two-month break, approximately, I met a guy whom greeted me before I even had my seat. It was in a bus. Yes. I took a bus trip. Can’t afford to take an airway service. Just can’t. And I don’t want to. And I think what that guy did was awesome. It feels so good, safe and comfortable to be around strangers, sometimes. Because the person next to you, on your right and left side, they don’t have any idea who you are. Carefree. It feels you are in a totally distinct world and you want is meeting new people and make stories, stories where you can created the happy ending.

These days, I think I have lost the joy of conversing. I don’t know how to do so anymore. I used to master it once. I could vividly remember when I was in my high school time, that was the glorious year I had with my friend, we did talking with full freedom of expression.

But now, things are no longer the same. The environment has changed. The people are different. The language too sometimes not the one that we used to.

One thing led to this I bet is assumption.

And time too. Sure.

I refuse to randomly talk to people. Be it my classmates. When one soul meets another, if there is chemistry, we can feel the vibration, the intense feeling of wanting to say something. but when there is no chemistry, all left is only perception and perception.

A bit weirdness here.

That’s all.

Know that you are the one and only who read this and I hence would love to tell you that I have decided to choose you as the reader of the year. Thank you.

Applause.

TOTALLY LOSER

I don’t know what is my destiny. I don’t know whom I was born to be. I don’t know what would happen to me in next five years, five months or even five minutes afterwards. I don’t know and I in fact I will never know. It is hard to be me. Well I think everyone deserves this phrase.

Looking towards the past make stumbled upon myself. I couldn’t believe that I eventually turned to be this brave, beyond what I have imagined. It was hard and difficult, down the road to be who I am now. And the road, the diverged road in from of me now is giving me signals that what to come will be much much harder. And I think I had enough. I am hoping for the rest of my future would be something smoother and more relaxing. And that is not possible. I knew that, but I keep hoping. And 

I knew I will end up frustrated living with my fake hope.

Up till certain point I don’t think I belong to this path.

Sometimes it is too hard.

And many times in my life, my mind instructs me to quit. My heart too perhaps. But by now I think the option is no longer there. The right and the time to choose has run out, long time ago. This, my decision which I was once happy enough to celebrate it but now, things seem to be darker and the room is getting smaller and smaller, each second. Now, the room seem tko be very small that it only fits me, alone. The walls, they are engulfing me from all corners. I merely have enough air to breathe. And I could even hear my heart beep.

And I am stuck in the wrong decision that I myself chose. No. That’s another thing. I am not so sure whether it was me the only authority who make the decision.

I think I have ruined my life. Of course there is always room for improvement but in the case improvement means to restart, from the very beginning, and it is time-consuming and I can’t make it.

All this while, I have tortured myself with no mercy. I have being unfair towards myself. I tried to fulfill my desire, my worldly desire that I created. And now I realize I was wrong.

There is no point if I keep writing because it won’t make any change. Things won’t get any better. I couldn’t stop. I have to go on. I know that. And if I could restart, I don’t want to. It is not too late. And it’s not the end yet. I just need something, and I don’t know exactly what is it.

It is hard to be me.

One thing for sure, I am afraid being a loser and I always hope no to be, even once. Maybe, maybe this time, it’s my turn to feel it. To feel like a totally loser.

Tests, they said are part and parcels of life. I accepted it because I thought it was just words. But how I responded when it really came, I know I can’t deal with it.

But the bumps down the road, minor or majors, they are the ones that we are capable to go though. This, too hard to accept. And I’m trying to, with all the will that I have.

Pray.

I ENVY U

I failed to walk my talk. Too bad.

Seriously to update this blog as frequent as possible is one of the things listed in my things-to-do list for the long break. And I have indulged to the fullest, 70% of my break. It was still an enjoyment but the way it went was different.

Have you ever seen a sand clock?

Life is like that. We are a huge sand clock. The time that flies is just like the sand that is keep running into the bottle to get it fulfilled. It will be fulfilled once we have our turn which you know what I’m talking about, the certain end of every self.

And now each second, we are filling our bottles with the sand.

To sample, I am nineteen currently and I’ve started filling the sand into my bottle for nineteen years. Imagine how long is that?

The things is, we are not simply fill the bottle with the sand, as life is full of choices and option, we are actually given to rights to choose what type of sand to be poured into the battle. At least we have to options. There must be at least two then we call it an option. Everyone knows this.

Let me get it clear,

All the things that we do, each moment can simply be subcategorized into two, good and bad. Easy and simple. Each second, we must do something. You can’t tell me when I ask what are doing then you say, oh nothing. That’s illogical. Even when you are not doing anything it’s actually something to be considered. Wasting your time is something, and it will be taken account because we pay with our time for that.

Just like that. As each moment we do things, each moment we choose what type of sand to be poured into our bottle. It is either white sand or black sand, to be simple.

The black one represents the bad things that we do in our entire life and the white sand symbolizes our good deeds.

Can you imagine this for a while? Alright. Stop right there for one minute and look at your bottles. How big do you think the portion of white sand compared to the black? Then you can conclude yourself what’ve you done with the time.

You get me people? I mean do you really get it?

And I think I don’t need to talk way longer because the time has come for us to do something with our bottles. We don’t want the black part to outshine the white area. And each second brings us a second closer to the certain end.